In 1988, at age of 19, after my first year of college, I found out I was pregnant. Fear, panic and shame consumed me. Thoughts like, what am I going to do, what will people think of me, how am I going to raise a baby raced through my mind. I was told I would not be able to go to college and have a baby, my life turned upside down, life was over! What was I going to do?
I thought about my options. Abortion came to mind, I didn't want to have an abortion, I thought I was being responsible. I was told, abortion is not illegal, it's my body, my decision and it's just a clump of tissues, not a baby.
My heart told me differently, the inner turmoil was horrible, it should have been a clue. I believed the lies.
I made up my mind, I talked myself into having an abortion. I told myself, no one will ever know my secret.
That day, the day I had an abortion, a part of me died on the table. I was relieved for a bit but within a short time, I hated myself. I was angry, ashamed, fearful, bitter and anxious. I allowed someone to rip my baby, a part of me out of my body.
In 2001, at age 32, a time bomb went off from inside me. I could no longer hide the secret. Fear, shame and guilt exploded from within. I started to have panic attacks, fear of harming myself, then an emotional breakdown.
I went to doctors, psychologist and psychiatrists. They all told me the same thing, you have anxiety and depression. They said, take these pills, "you'll be fine." But I wasn't fine. I was sick.
I couldn't be the person, the wife or the mother I was meant to be; I was a wreck. I needed to be free from this pain, this secret, I needed healing and restoration.